Giving Counsel About Engagement

Many people come to the church from an ordinary worldly life, so it can be a good idea to tell new people how it is for us in the church. Often they need to understand that engage­ment is not marriage. As a shepherd you can speak about this in general terms. Place responsibility on the young man—if things go too far, it is primarily his fault.

Speak about these things in parents’ meetings so that they take the responsibility of exhorting their children who are or may become engaged. A father should explain to his son what his responsibility is. People must not seek sexual fulfillment together before marriage. Our calling is to fight for purity and faith in victory. Living together before marriage is not an op­tion for those who believe in victory and fight for purity in their life.

It can also be a good idea to warn a person if the one they are engaged to comes from a very bad background. Before they enter into marriage, people should come to rest from their adulterous spirit, so that it is obvious to everyone that they have become a disciple. It is senseless for a child from a God-fearing home to marry such an ungodly person and then have to suffer because of that person’s superficiality and lack of godly fear. Parents must recognize their responsibility and speak with their children about these things. They should also exhort their children not to propose to a person who is totally inappropriate for their position or abilities.

“My brethren, let not many of you become teachers, know­ing that we shall receive a stricter judgment.” James 3:1. We understand that giving counsel in such circumstances is not easy. Be very careful not to counsel people in such a way that you lead them into despair and darkness. In difficult situa­tions you should speak with an apostle. Some people love to meddle in other people’s matters and would gladly give coun­sel in situations where they do not have the grace to be of help. Consequently, they cause serious damage for them­selves and for the other person.

“For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body.” James 3:2. “Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your call and election sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble.” 2 Pet. 1:10.

It can seem like the apostles don’t agree here. Peter speaks about not stumbling in anything, yet James writes that we all stumble in many things. Peter is speaking about our calling to live a victorious life and not continue in sin. James is speaking about our ministry, where you can stumble in your words and in your conduct with people—for example, when you speak to them or give counsel. So when you give counsel, you must be careful about bringing up things the other person hasn’t thought about in the relationship. I am thinking about engage­ment and marriage, for example. The responsibility and the decision is up to the couple themselves. A shepherd cannot and must not take responsibility for other people’s choices and actions. Because of a lack of watchfulness and sensitivity, it is easy to invade people’s privacy in such situations. As a result, a bad relationship with them can later develop, be­cause you have been so careless with your words and made it difficult for them.

Workers in the church who get engaged outside the church have forsaken their first love. Therefore you should not have a church wedding for them. They have not been good examples. It is more appropriate to have a private wed­ding ceremony with some of the friends present. Workers who make such choices disappoint those who are younger, the ones they have worked with. It is especially bad if they try to glorify what they have done.

Neither is it appropriate to attend a wedding for a person who has been divorced and wants to remarry. In such situa­tions, if it is in your immediate family you can give a gift to the one who is your relative, but not to both of them; because if you give it to both of them, you bless the sin they are living in. Rather, meet them when they come to a crossroads, when God brings them into need and is close to them. Maybe then you can receive grace to be a messenger for them, one who can declare to them the right way. “Yes, his soul draws near the Pit, and his life to the executioners. If there is a messenger for him, a mediator, one among a thousand, to show man His uprightness, then He is gracious to him, and says, ‘Deliver him from going down to the Pit; I have found a ran­som . . . .’” Job 33:22-24.