Engagement, Marriage, Remarriage

Engagement is not marriage. Obviously it is inappropriate to live together as a married couple before they get married. It is primarily the man’s responsibility that the couple lives a pure, good life during the time of engagement. Parents should be responsible and exhort their children, without med­dling in their business and without forcing a legalistic under­standing on them. The time of engagement is a time when they get to know each other better—spirit, soul and body. Most importantly they should use that time to get to know each other’s hearts and seek fellowship in the heavenly call­ing God has given them. Then the bonds between the en­gaged couple will become strong, and they will have a greater ability to bear things so that they can stand in the tribulations of life that they will experience sooner or later.

Therefore a person should not be too quick to get engaged; it is a serious choice with long-term consequences. Many people fall in love in their youth, but it is far from certain that falling in love with someone is an indication that he or she is the person you should marry. In these situations, it is ex­tremely important to seek God seriously with an upright heart so that He can lead you. In some cases engagements have had to be broken, and it has undoubtedly been the best for both people that this happened before they entered into marriage. If there is not a mutual love that binds the engaged couple together, then the engagement should be broken, in as re­spectful and good a way as possible. Be very careful not to speak derogatorily about the other person after your relation­ship has been broken. Speak about one another with respect! Preferably, a person should have sought God and looked into the circumstances so thoroughly beforehand that the annul­ment of the engagement need never have happened.

Regarding marriage, divorce and remarriage, we only have the Word of God to go by. Jesus says: “‘And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.’ His disciples said to Him, “If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry.’” Matt. 19:9-10.

“The Pharisees came and asked Him, ‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?’ testing Him. And He answered and said to them, ‘What did Moses command you?’ They said, ‘Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to dismiss her.’ And Jesus answered and said to them, ‘Because of the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. But from the beginning of the creation, God “made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.’ In the house His disciples also asked Him again about the same matter. So He said to them, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. And if a woman divorces her husband and mar­ries another, she commits adultery.’” Mark 10:2-12.

In the world and among religious people, they speak about the guilty party and the innocent party. Jesus doesn’t do that. Many things are hidden, and it is impossible for us to judge or take a position regarding who is guilty and who is innocent. For that matter, it is seldom that a person who has been mar­ried several times has a heavenly calling. Therefore you need to keep an eye on such people so that their uncleanness is not allowed to corrupt unstable souls!

Paul was the apostle to the Gentiles, and He knew the law. So we agree with Paul. We are Gentiles, and Paul was the apostle to the Gentiles. We, like Paul, must be servants of the Spirit when we have to give counsel in these situations. In some marriages, there is physical abuse and violence, and occasionally physical abuse “in God’s name.” Obviously that is absolutely unacceptable and far away from a life in Christ.

“Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her hus­band. And a husband is not to divorce his wife. But to the rest I, not the Lord say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him.” 1 Cor. 7:10-13.

There are many circumstances in life that a person just has to live with, for example, a handicap. Some people have had accidents or other traumatic experiences. “My life is ruined,” people say. But think what they can get out of it for eternity if they are faithful in the situations God has given to them. We must keep to the Word of God. The Gentiles are free from the law, but Paul writes about these things.

Sigurd Bratlie writes about those who are remarried and how they should conduct themselves. They can pray and be active in the practical work of the church, but they cannot tes­tify, and meetings should not be held in their home. They must be kept in their place in all goodness. They do not have faith to be separated from one another, but they want to live their life in the church. You cannot force people like this to separate; that would be meddling in other people’s business. We must, for the sake of the truth, place the light in the lampstand, but we must not in any way rule over other people. In this area too, our task is to restrain the evil, and to preach the Word of God. And we do not judge those who are outside. God will judge them.